House, meet Macbeth Parody
by Krinkle
Summary: Ok, so this is a parody i had to do for english class and it's due in ... 6 hours... anyways, i just finished typing it and was just like hey might as well upload it.. so here we are. Disclaimer: House nor macbeth are mine. Im sinkin i has carpal... owww


Macbeth Parody

Scene 1:

[Kutner and Amber in a room with hazy walls]

Kutner: Amber! We must go bother House.

Amber: When Kutner?

Kutner: After he solves his next case.

Amber: And admits his love for Lisa Cuddy.

Kutner: Aren't they dating?

Amber: Yeah, but he can't man up enough to admit his feelings.

Kutner: Where shall we meet?

Amber: Near the fireplace at his home.

Kutner: But Wilson lives with House.

Amber: Are you dumb? Wilson will be drunk and think he has gone completely insane after a night out with House. He will think we are a really realistic dream.

Kutner: You just want to see Wilson again.

Amber: He has been talking to me every night.

Kutner: You're a freak… long live House, doctor

Amber: Long live Gregory House! Diagnostician.

Kutner: Long live House, only lead diagnostician.

Amber: Are you drunk?

Kutner: I don't drink. Anything. I'm a hallucination.

Scene 2:

[Cameron and Foreman, in the conference room]

Cameron: House is just about to cure his patient.

Foreman: Really? That's like his 8th solved case this week… He's on top of game.

Cameron: I know it's weird… he finished his clinics too…

Foreman: Maybe we should re-hire him…

Cameron: We would have too many people.

Foreman: Don't be dumb. Fire Charles, the replacement of House that has done jackshit this whole week.

Cameron: Okay, Chase and I will deliver the news to House.

Scene 3:

[House and Wilson walking down hallway in hospital]

House: You ready for a night full of drunken festivities?

Wilson: Sure, I've got nothing better to do with my time…

House: There's that chick in pediatrics you seem to like so much.

Wilson: House, there is nothing going on between us, I just invited her along to get to know her better.

House: Getting to know her better… naked!

Wilson: That is not my intentions. But I would take that opportunity if it comes.

House: You and your hidden innuendos.

Wilson: Why isn't Cuddy coming along?

House: She has a meeting.

Wilson: Aren't you going to watch her every move tonight to make sure her date doesn't go well.

House: It's another woman, and if they were doing anything, that would just be hot.

Wilson: Whatever, let's go.

……………………..

House: So you going to CL's house?

Wilson: Who is CL?

House: Canadian legs.

Wilson: Her name is Jennifer, and yes.

House: SCORE!

Wilson: We are just having a bite to eat together.

House: Sure… SCORE!

Wilson: You told Cuddy you loved her today.

House: Sure did, aren't you proud of me? I'm growing up. I'm a big kid now!

[Enter Amber and Kutner]

Wilson: You can't be serious

House: Lookie here Wilson, this is what it feels like to be crazy.

Wilson: …..I'm really drunk aren't I?

Scene 4:

[Cameron, Foreman and Thirteen in conference room]

Cameron: Did you fire lazy guy yet?

Foreman: Yes, the team is ready for House.

Cameron: No one is ever actually ready for House.

Foreman: Ready as we will ever be.

[House enter with Chase]

House: Oh hello there your majesty, to whom do I owe this honor?

Foreman: Cut the shit House, we want to hire you back on the team, officially.

House: Oh Yippee!

Foreman: You are still not lead diagnostician, I make the calls.

House: Oh damn. Its okay, I didn't actually want to be lead.

Foreman: Don't lie. Well whatever, even if I'm gone, Remy Hadley would become lead.

House: Why Thirteen? She doesn't do anything.

Cameron: She most certainly does do things.

House: Irrelevant to your affair with each other.

Cameron: I'm not having an affair. You know I'm married.

Chase: I know.

Foreman: Hadley is still next in line.

House: Did you know Thirteen was in the room?

Thirteen: Howdy House, thanks for announcing my presence.

House: No problemo.

Scene 5:

[Cuddy in her office]

Cuddy:

Dearest Lisa,

I miss the twins, keep them perky for me. I think I hallucinated again, I saw Kutner and Amber, but Wilson was with me. They kept saying things about me being lead diagnostician, but I was plastered so it's not something to be worried about. Foreman claims Thirteen is going to be next in line to head the crew. I think I'm just about ready to lead again, I know you can't put me as lead and remove him without cause though. I'm not asking you to; I just wanted to inform you on my daily conquest, ill see your giant ass tonight.

Love,

Greg

[enter nurse from front desk (Brandon)

Brandon: Foreman just left a message; he would like to meet with you and House. Also, he wants a raise.

Cuddy: Thank you Brandon.

[Exit Brandon enter House]

Cuddy: I got your little post-it note or should I say… Post-its?

House: Aren't they the niffitiest little things?

Cuddy: Foreman wants to eat lunch with us.

House: Oh that sounds like a lot of fun!

Cuddy: Be nice, it won't last long. He wants to congratulate you for doing a good job, and he wants to beg me for a raise.

Scene 6:

[Cuddy, House and Foreman at Lilli's Restaurant]

Foreman: Hey! Thanks for joining me for lunch.

House: Mhmm… I'm hungry.

Cuddy: Thanks Foreman.

…..

Foreman: Alright, well while they are preparing our food, I'd like to say this, Congratulation House, you have made a huge recovery, not only at work, but you have made a big step with finally making a move on Cuddy and giving a relationship a chance.

House: …. Thanks.

Scene 7:

[House and Cuddy, Cuddy's car on the way back to the hospital]

House: …That was nice of him.

Cuddy: Yes, well… I think you should be number one diagnostics again.

House: I don't deserve you.

Cuddy: We just need to get you to out smoke Foreman.

House: What about Thirteen?

Cuddy: With Foreman gone, she shouldn't be a problem.

House: okay, I'll see what I can do

…..

House: I don't think Foreman will be a problem anymore.

Cuddy: How'd you do it?

House: OD'd a patient on morphine. Foreman is held responsible.

Cuddy: Maybe we shouldn't have gone about it in this way.

House: Don't start feeling Guilty now. Foreman isn't even gone yet.

Cuddy: A patient is dead because of us.

House: Not us, me.

Scene 8:

[Cameron, Foreman, Thirteen and Chase in conference room]

Cameron: I don't understand how he died.

Thirteen: We will figure out in autopsy.

Foreman: I'm going to be fired.

Chase: Who will take the lead now?

Foreman: Technically Thirteen.

[Enter House]

House: Did you misdiagnose? This patient wasn't supposed to die yet.

Foreman: He was in pain, I prescribed morphine and now he's dead.

House: Did you prescribe too much?

Foreman: No, there is no way.

[Enter Cuddy]

Cuddy: Why do we have a dead patient? I thought you said you were curing him. What happened?

Foreman: We were curing him; I'm not sure what went wrong.

House: We can start autopsy now to find out.

Scene 9:

[Chase and Cameron, diagnostics room.]

Chase: It was an overdose.

Cameron: On his morphine?

Chase: Yes, and since it was prescribed by Foreman and applied by Thirteen, both their jobs are gone.

Cameron: Who's taking over?

Chase: House, who else?

Scene 10:

[Wilson, oncology unit]

Wilson: Hmmm… what a strange turn of events, The hallucinations from when House and I were drunk were correct, He is back to being Lead Diagnostician. I wonder if House did this purposely.

[Enter House and Cuddy]

House: Wilson, would you care to join us for dinner?

Cuddy: We would just love to have a sit down.

House: Cuddles, you sound like you're from the 50's.

Wilson: I would love to join your family.

Cuddy: Tonight at 7.

Scene 11:

[House and Cuddy waiting for Wilson at Cuddy's House]

Cuddy: How are you going to insure Wilson doesn't suspect anything?

House: We convince him otherwise

Cuddy: No shit House, how?

House: I'm not sure yet.

Scene 12:

[House, Wilson and Cuddy, at Cuddy's home eating]

Wilson: Thanks for having me over for dinner, so what's the occasion?

House: We wanted to discussing me being Lead Diagnostician again.

Wilson: Oh yes, was Foreman arrested?

Cuddy: We don't find it necessary.

Wilson: I see, well, it's such a coincidence Foreman and Thirteen make that mistake after our little run in with the Amber and Kutner apparitions.

House: Wilson…

Wilson: I just think it's unfortunate.

Cuddy: Wilson, I can assure you, the death of the patient was entirely Foreman and Thirteen's doing.

Wilson: I understand, you have my full defence.

House: We just wanted to make sure it was pure coincidence.

Scene 13:

[House, Kutner, and Amber in House's bedroom]

House: I best not be going crazy again.

Amber: Nope, just wanted to congratulate you on becoming lead diagnostician.

Kutner: That's a big deal.

House: Not really…

Kutner: Whatever… so what about Thirteen and Foreman?

House: You tell me.

Amber: Okay. Well Foreman and Thirteen were fired, Cuddy made you lead diagnostician, and they can't be hired at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.

House: No… They can't be hired anywhere.

Kutner: No! They can, and will…..

Amber: That's enough Kutner!

House: Is my job secure?

Kutner: Yeah unless the board gets rid of Cuddy, and the building is destroyed.

House: Well, the board loves Cuddy too much to fire her.

Kutner: Just don't shit in anyone's cheerios.

House: Okay, bye bye, don't come back.

Amber: Gladly.

Scene 14:

[Foreman and Chase, at a bar]

Foreman: What are you doing here?

Chase: I don't like that House is back in charge.

Foreman: He's a good doctor.

Chase: You are too.

Foreman: No, I kill my patients.

Chase: It's irrelevant, one patient dying doesn't make you a bad doctor.

Foreman: I don't know what happened.

Chase: I believe you.

Foreman: I can't help but think House had something to do with it.

Chase: Yes. Makes sense.

Foreman: He must've marked down extra morphine.

Chase: For sure.

Foreman: We have to get rid of him. He's dangerous.

Chase: How Cuddy's there.

Foreman: I don't know.

Scene 15:

[Foreman and Cameron, Foreman's front door]

Cameron: Foreman! I have good and bad news, which do you want first?

Foreman: Good.

Cameron: You got a job at Plainveiw hospital.

Foreman: Bad?

Cameron: Thirteen's in the ICU, she stroked.

Foreman: Huntington's wasn't supposed to hit yet… not this hard.

Cameron: She had a pill slipped into her drink. It degraded her already terrible health, faster.

Foreman: House.

Cameron: He wouldn't hurt her.

Foreman: He must've implied someone else.

Scene 16:

[Nurse and Doctor, outside Cuddy's office]

Nurse: Cuddy seems uptight.

Doctor: She is usually.

Nurse: No I mean, stick up the ass, uptight.

Doctor: What's she doing?

Nurse: She's running around manically in her office looking for something, and whenever I ask her what it is she is searching for, she says 'nothing' and continues to search.

Doctor: Let's go see for ourselves.

….

Cuddy: Where is it?

Doctor: Where is what?

Cuddy: Nothing…

Nurse: Do you need help?

Cuddy: I can't find the plans for the new hospital wing.

Nurse: Want me to help you look?

Cuddy: NO!

Doctor: anything else?

Cuddy: nope

Doctor: You sure? Because the plans are on your desk.

Cuddy: Yes! I'm sure.

Scene 17:

[Foreman, Chase, Cameron, in Thirteen's hospital room]

Foreman: Do you think she will be okay?

Chase: Eventually, she's making a rather quick recovery.

Cameron: I wonder who would slip her Rophynol.

Foreman: House… Someone House knew.

Chase: Lucas?

Cameron: Maybe… Lucas would do anything for a little money.

Foreman: That's because he is an addict.

Cameron: We have to figure out what happened.

Chase: I agree.

Scene 18:

[House and Cuddy, Cuddy's office]

Cuddy: They are here.

House: Who?

Cuddy: Thirteen and Foreman… they were in my office.

House: That's odd.

Cuddy: Why is Thirteen here as a patient?

House: I don't know.

Cuddy: House… don't lie to me.

House: Lucas, I hired him to roofie…

Cuddy: Enough! Why?

House: It makes her Huntington's symptoms magnify.

Cuddy: Will she be okay?

House: Eventually. Now stop looking so guilty.

Cuddy: …

Scene 19:

[Foreman and Lucas, House's office]

Foreman: Who hired you?

Lucas: No one.

Foreman: $2000 to tell me who.

Lucas: House.

Foreman: ARG! (throws model of hospital onto the ground shattering it to pieces.)

Lucas: I'll go now.

Scene 20:

[House, entering office]

House: Foreman won't get me fired. My job is safe. (notices model in pieces on the floor) oh shit. Hospital… crashing down… coincidence.

[enter Foreman]

Foreman: Cuddy quit. I'd suggest you go to the board. I'm lead. Hope you have a nice life. I'm not pressing charges, but you'll get your medical license confinscated. You have enough money, go out and start a family together. I know you'd like to.

House: What about Thirteen?

Foreman: Mini-stroke helped with her resistance to Huntington's in the long run, you helped.

House: Thanks I guess.

Scene 21:

[Board and House in meeting room]

Board: You do understand you can't practice medicine anymore right?

House: Yep, early retirement.

Board: Okay…

House: By the way, Boss-lady… well ex-boss-lady , and I have been sleeping together for a while now.

Board: Wha-

House: Have fun, BYE!


End file.
